On the latest ep of Top Gear to air in the US, the lads sow a crop of rapeseed, make a “safety announcement” on the dangers of level crossings, test drive a Lamborghini Murcielago, and Kristen Scott Thomas is the Star in the Reasonably Priced Car.
At the request of transportation safety, Jeremy made a safety commercial of the dangers of running a level crossing (a railroad crossing, for those of us living elsewhere). Richard wanted to do it, and I do feel it would have been done with less snarkiness, although not quite as dramatically. Jeremy starts by asking what age group causes the most accidents at level crossings: the young, with their drug-taking and hats back to front, or the law-abiding, conservative senior citizens? According to Jeremy, it’s the seniors who are most likely to have the accidents by jumping the lights, and by not wearing proper safety gear, such as high visibility jackets. And two hard hats. To show the effect of train vs. minivan, Jeremy sets up a minivan with a high impact test rating, a Renault Espace. Short form outcome: the van loses. Miserably. After two slo-mo replays, we can see that the van is absolutely crushed to metal splinters and appears to have damaged several hundred feet of track as it was pushed along after impact. The camera pans the carnage as Jeremy intones, “Think! Always wear a high visibility jacket!”
The slapstick group work this week involved farming. Because of the world’s dwindling oil supply and the increasing green movement, the lads thought to provide for their future needs by growing their own biofuel crop. Each researched the internet and chose a tractor. As to be expected, each presenter was looking for different qualities in an agricultural vehicle. James chose “the Mercedes S-class” of agricultural vehicles, the Fendt 930 that had an astonishing array of computer-controlled everything, including a computer-directed speed of 0.06 mph. Jeremy, so surprisingly, went for speed with the JCB Fast Track, which is 8.3 liters of turbocharged fury, with a top speed of 41 that is the choice of the Army. (?) Richard chose a Case STX Steiger, a futuristic vehicle with tank treads rather than wheels and a top speed of 20. It is enormous.
Now, there were three challenges to complete. The first, addressing the fact that there is apparently a high rate of suicide among farmers, proclaimed that user-friendliness is a must, and each lad had to hitch up a trailer to his tractor of choice, and reverse through the Top Gear parking lot. In an hour, James managed to turn on the wipers, adjust the seat to its squooshiest, and start the engine. The space shuttle probably has simpler control systems. Jeremy fared better, getting the trailer hitched but being unable to move backwards. Are you remembering the ribbing you gave James on the caravan holiday? It’s not as easy as it looks, is it? Unable to solve the problem by shouting, Jeremy quit. Richard actually got the trailer hitched and going in reverse, but took out a prototype Astra in the parking lot. Richard : “I am on a roll” (pre-impact) and “I believe I did clip it” (after.)
Having made a total hash of the first challenge, they moved on to the second, which involved racing the tractors around the track. The trick was to do worse than Richard Whitely, who at 2.06, was the slowest around the track. The Stig took out James’ first; the bounciness of the seat just about unseated him in the turns, but he managed a disreputable 3.28. Richard’s tank was next. There is no commentary by Jeremy, and he quite rightly asks how you do this for a tractor lap. The lads have time for tea before the return of tank and Stig, 4.49 later. In Jeremy’s speedster, the Stig had some trouble in the hammerhead, but comes in at 2.57. Congrats, boys! you all won!
Fuel efficiency, reliability, and long service are reputedly the most desireable characteristics in tractors. The third challenge saw the lads hitching up the heaviest objects they could find for a literal drag race. James towed what looked to be every car in the parking lot, including his amphibious sailboat. Richard hitched up the Top Gear production trailer, which does not have wheels. And over-the-top as every, Jeremy hitched up a commercial jet. James had the fastest start, but two of his vehicles broke away when the string began to snake. The Top Gear trailer hit them, kindly shoving them off the road. Several months later, Jeremy also crossed the finish line.
Kristen Scott Thomas is not a speed demon but is appearing in “The Seagull,” a play by Anton Chekov, so she’s in London. Persuaded to appear on Top Gear and take a lap, Jeremy is fortunately a distance from her as he cherishes a mammoth crush on her. She drives a G-Whiz, which is a weird little electric car that she loves, and has had tiger-striped for an extra bit of oomph. Jeremy says he likes them and would saw off appendages to fit in one, but Richard points out that the year before he’d called the car a “wart.” Jeremy and Kristen compare and contrast driving styles in Paris and London. Kristen says that driving around L’Arc de Triomphe is one of life’s great adventures; the trick is to have the grottiest old car you can lay your hands on and not to look at anything coming your way. Because Jeremy admires her so, he asks Kristen to rate several vehicles for the Cool Wall. She pretty much disagrees with everything Jeremy likes, just shooting the Cool Wall as it stands full of holes. Not surprisingly, she rates the G-Whiz as cool, although when it rains at night, you have to choose between the windshield wipers and the headlights. Renaults are cool; Fiats not because of the dodgy back end. A red Bentley is dubbed a Cheshire football’s car by Jeremy, which makes her laugh. The four-wheel drives are a big no, which pleases Jeremy since he moved them all down the prior week. She is ambivalent about the Rolls, and Jeremy is quick to say the Richard had driven down in one. Saving the best for last, Jeremy shows her the Lambo Gallardo Spyder. He is crushed when she calls it “pathetic” and cancels his order. In the back of a crowd, a sign is held up that says “Jezza <3 Kristen” and Jeremy promptly advertises his copresenter’s jobs. Kristen’s lap was rather eventful; she went off track during a practice run as she had “given up steering.” Her time: 1.54.
Jeremy gets behind the wheel of a Lambo Murcielago for a half mile drag against a VW Golf GTI. The Lambo has Formula 1 launch control, and Jeremy is shown hanging on for dear life as the Lambo just pounds the Golf. Jeremy parks and geeks over it. I do love the gull-wing doors. The base price is a mere 190 000 pounds, and Jeremy freaks over the price of the options, which include a transparent engine cover. On the track, Jeremy spins out on a corner and appears to be continuing his lap in reverse. Too much car for him! He’s calling it a hypercar, which it isn’t, it’s a supercar. (Ultra-light construction, aerodynamic body, advanced composite materials, low drag design AND hybrid drive vs. rare/exotic high-end sports car whose performance is highly superior to its competition.) The Stig is introduced tonight as a “man who laughs in the face of death. Some say he sucks the moisture from ducks. And that his crash helmet is modeled on Britney Spears’ head. All we know is he’s called the Stig.” Listening to a trashy romance book. the Stig takes it out and achieves 1.19.8, good enough for sixth place but far down from the leader, the Konigsegg. The Murcielago is fine for a Lambo, but the only Lambo I really like is the Reventon, coming in at a cool million Euros. It is gorgeous and rare–only 20 built, and a lovely collection of soft angles and innovation–but I think the back is still too long. Shorten it and it would be perfect. I think that if Jeremy came into contact with one, he’d need a new pair of jeans. Oh, who am I kidding? So would I.
Because there was no clear winner in the challenges, the lads took all three tractors to a leased 25 acre field. It was a sheep filled field, and because Richard had brought along Top Gear Dog, he was given the responsibility of clearing it. In defense of Top Gear Dog, neither Labradors nor Poodles are herding dogs, and she is a crap herder. Richard should have brought along a Collie or a Corgi. Top Gear Dog sat as Richard herded. He’s quite fit, but in the end, a proper herding dog was brought in. An old bridge was the only access to the field, and Jeremy broke it. After a couple half-assed attempts to fix it, Richard drove his tank tractor across the damaged bridge, unable to see, but I think the tank treads were really beneficial here.
The first stage of farming is the plowing. Richard’s plow is Battlestar Galactica-sized. James frets about the weather for plowing–it’s gorgeous, come on. They have judges to decide who’s best, with criteria including identical furrows and a nice, neat job. One of the judges actually knows Jeremy, but insists there will be no favoritism. James is surprisingly the first out, Jeremy second, going like a bat without direction, and Richard is stationary as he gets everything in launch mode. James is collecting the field on his plow–why? Does he have it on backwards? and Richard finally launches the Starship Enter-plow. He seems to do a great job but gets stuck on h is first turn. He broke it! He sheared off the bolts! With only Jeremy’s tractor working, he quits and dynamites the field. Richard is sent out for lunch driving his tractor.
Jeremy and James cultivate. James doesn’t like the look of the sky for cultivation. Richard causes a traffic jam, and probably low ratings for his show. Jeremy does a good job but hits a telegraph pole (that’s what he called it) while James does his pre-cultivation checklist and chucks his walkie-talkie away at the continuting harrassment by Jeremy. On his way back, Richard makes a pit stop (did he wash his hands? I don’t think so) and fills up his tank to the tune of 1127 quid exactly. When he returns, the others criticize the lunch he bought.
One bag is enough seed for all 25 acres, and James insists on spreading the seed himself. Jeremy keeps harping on him–do you know what you’re doing? The resounding answer to this question is always no, but they do keep asking. He shows James 70 seeds in a cup and insists that he must sow that many per square yard. James sets off and promptly dumps all the seed in about a square foot. Jeremy chases after, threating death and destruction while waving a farming implement.
Back in the studio, James reveals that he was forced to go back and redistribute his seed in every furrow he could find throughout the night. Jeremy calls him an onanist, and next week, the lads have DIY stretch limos.
