The most recent airing of Top Gear was Season Eight, Episode 1. We’re travelling back in time. In this episode, the lads convert a Renault Espace into a convertible, the show’s new mascot is introduced, Richard drives a Nissan convertible Micra C+C, and a new Reasonably Priced Car debuts. Edited out was James’ turn with the new Honda Civic.

Now, as an American, there were some people and places with which I was unfamiliar in this episode, so I have a list of Clarifications and Information. 1. Dainese is a company involved in motorcycles. 2. James Hewitt, formerly a Major in the British cavalry, also formerly Princess Diana’s lover. 3. Alan Davies, actor and comedian, star of series Jonathan Creek. 4. Trevor Eve, actor, stars in  Waking the Dead. 5. Jimmy Carr, comedian and insane driver. 6. Justin Hawkins, former lead singer and lead guitarist for The Darkness, now a solo act. 7. Rick Wakeman, keyboardist for Yes. 8. Les Ferdinand, a former striker for Newcastle United, QPR, and England. 9. John Prescott, former Deputy Prime Minister. 10. Woburn Abbey is the seat of the Duke of Bedford; the Safari Park was added in 1970. 11. Barbary Apes are actually macaques, which are mainly herbiverous, have a Vulnerable conservation status, and are noted for being gregarious. 12. The Koenigsegg CCR was ticketed in May 2003 for speeding in the San Francisco to Miami Gumball 3000 rally. The driver talked his way out of the ticket.

Clarkson kicks off this season by revealing that some changes have been made in order to keep things fresh and exciting. First up is the introduction of Top Gear Dog, a Labradoodle and Top Gear’s new mascot. Clarkson says she’s a hybrid and they were going to call her Prius, but that it would have been cruel and she would have eaten a lot more than they were expecting. Because Richard appeared on daytime television prior to this series, the task of driving Nissan’s Micra C+C, Essenza version convertible was given to him. Why? Because he is the most used to being embarassed. The car itself isn’t too bad.

The Pink Panther theme music plays as we see a shot of the open road. Hammond reluctantly nudges the car into the frame and we see why this car has been dubbed the most embarassing car in human history. It is PINK. Barbie Pink, Pink Panther Pink, Pepto Bismo Pink. As additional punishment, Richard is made to drive it around in the vicinity of his home. He gives us some vital stats: the roof takes 22 seconds to retract, which is slow but he doesn’t want to be recognized anyway; it has a1.6 L engine with 108 hp, and it  has kept most of the trunk space, which Hammond notes is good for hiding in. He motors through Ledbury, a nice conservative town where he does his shopping. The pink wonder garners lots of attention; Hammond is wearing a bag over his head to conceal his identity and shame. The car is capable of 119 mph and is very wobbly when the roof is down. Finally unable to do any more, he pulls off on the side of the road, removes his head covering, and walks off. He promises to do no more daytime tv because the punishment is too severe. How bad is it? Clarkson asks. Hammond: Just look at it! Clarkson: It looks like a scrotum.

Clarkson says that since you can get a soft-top version of practically anything, including a Rolls Royce Phantom, why not a people carrier? And utters the doom-laden words: How hard can it be? Cut to Clarkson driving a Renault Espace, the best of the people carriers. He says this is nothing to brag about; it’s like saying, oh, good! I’ve got syphilis, the best of the sexually transmitted diseases! It’s a  jolting comparison. He claims that driving it feels like he’s drowning in wallpaper paste. Can they liven it up a bit by whacking off its head?

Cut to May and Hammond in a garage. May is wearing a bright, fetching fuschia and navy rugby shirt; Hammond is in a Dainese jacket, so it must be rather cold. May is telling Hammond that because the Espace has a proper chassis and a plastic body, they can remove the roof and theoretically it won’t make it too weak. Hammond skeptically repeats the “theoretically.” Clarkson has done this operation before and it didn’t go well: the car split in half. Very not good indeed. Clarkson appoints May as project leader. May has a “detailed engineering drawing” featuring lots of dotted lines and arrows that sets forth his plan. Because the roof is so long, he doesn’t think they can get the whole of it to fold down into the trunk, so he’s divided it into two parts. The middle part is on a removable hoop, and the end is on a fold-down frame. Hammond questions whether this can be put up and taken down inside a day, and doesn’t quite believe May when he claims that it can. Clarkson objects to the time it will take and says that May said he was an expert, a charge James quickly denies, telling him that he just had an idea. Richard critically points out that all he’s done is design an awning to be put over the car. The next squabble was over the pathetic cutting tools May provided. After donning their “nanny state spectacles” they begin to cut. In twenty minutes, they manage to mar the paint finish, and Jeremy went out in a huff for real power tools, “something a little more manly.” May narrates that when you’re cutting through the pillars, as Hammond is doing, the important thing is to protect the glass. Hammond promptly shatters the front passenger side window. “I’ve done a bad thing there, haven’t I?” Clarkson drums his fingers on the intact roof and then gestures to the rearmost left window. “You see this window?” and breaks it out with his beloved hammer. “That would have been fine because we don’t need that one!”

After this incident, they are being extra careful around the windows. All are well away from the car when a window explodes. Hammond attributes the breakage to Clarkson, who had been working near it last; he is delighted that Clarkson has broken a necessary window. Jeremy denies, denies, denies. With the windows gone, it is time to remove the roof. Clarkson says that since it’s just plastic, it won’t weigh much, but Hammond practically has a hernia lifting his end off the car and they stagger outside the garage to place it gently on the ground. This seems rather out of character: where’s the gleeful destruction of the roof?

Back inside, Hammond and Clarkson are practically glowing over the tremendousness of the newly shorn Espace. May points out that someone has sawn through the driver’s sun visor and a seat belt. Clarkson says, “You know what I’m thinking…” and stares portentiously out the open door.May and Hammond say “Yeah!” quite enthusiastically and they hit the road in the open car. Hammond is driving; May and Clarkson sit in the far back like a limosine. Hammond enthuses that it’s brilliant, even better than the original because while it still feels stiff, you’re surrounded by the world. Clarkson leans forward and tells Hammond that May isn’t very happy; indeed, there’s a frozen quality to him because he is the one not wearing a jacket. Clarkson has on a classic leather one. Hammond offers to put the heater on to “warm.”

They return to build the roof. May is in charge of the frame; Hammond takes the fasteners, which promptly cascade over the car floor onto the ground, and Clarkson  takes charge of sewing the yellow canvas top. He’s going on about his sewing prowess, how one never forgets how to sew, and sews his cuff to the project. May extricates him and sets him to helping make the hoop for the frame, the critical component. The metal bar is put into a device to bend it to right angles. Clarkson rotates the bar so that May forms a Z shape rather than a C shape. May: You utter clot. Clarkson: (chuckling) Again, Top Gear–ambitious but rubbish.

We leave the boys with the wreckage of the Espace and cut to the new studio for the introduction of the new Reasonably Priced Car. They’ve retired the old one, I suspect because no one would insure it anymore, after 1600 test laps, 400 tires and brake pads, 6 clutches, 2 gear linkages, and a wing mirror replacement. Hammond gestures to the sheet-covered replacement and after some buildup it is announced that it is a Chevy Lacetti. Tepid applause as he pulls off the sheet. Clarkson tells us that it is 10 000 quid of Korean Reasonableness with a 1.8 L engine, 119 bhp, and at 121 mph, more powerful and faster than the Liana. They must retire the old celebrity lap times out of fairness. In order to slap some names and times up on the new board quickly, they won’t be featuring a celebrity guest this week; instead, they’re hosting a morning coffee for lots of them.

On a red and white checked tablecloth a prudent distance back from the track is the 2006 edition of Who’s Who, six cupcakes, seven jam cookies (little heart cutouts, how sweet. Goes with the Micra.) tea and coffee. The boards with the old lap times and a blank one for the new stand by. Clarkson says he’s invited the whole of the Who’s Who, and Hammond frets that they will run out of treats.

The first guest who shows up is a mystery man. Neither presenter knows who he is. They introduce themselves (he did not reciprocate) and asked some questions to try to pry out some identifying responses. This failed utterly, so they chucked him in the Lacetti with the Stig for a few practice laps. As he smokes the tires and cuts corners, the boys ponder what to call him for the lap time board when Alan Davies shows up. He’s a prior guest, so they know who he is. Clarkson explains the new rules of the game to the Well Spoken Man–five practice laps and one timed lap, no excuses or do-overs. The Well Spoken Man pounds around the track in 1.47.6, setting the time to beat. In the footage, he nicely doesn’t say a work about being dubbed the Well Spoken Man instead of his actual name. He is actually James Hewitt.

Alan takes his turn in the new car, and looks a bit daft  peering from under the crash helmet. He skidded off the track during one run; Clarkson says that when he lost it, it really scared him, but it is the presenters who scatter. He continues to “gormlessly pound round the track” and Trevor Eve shows up. Alan’s time is 1.50.3. Eve takes off, and we’re informed that on his first time with the Liana, the drivers’ side front wheel came off during a lap. This time on his fourth practice lap he broke the Lacetti’s clutch. The Prince of Darkness, Jimmy Carr, shows up as Eve is about to run his timed lap. Clarkson pulls out the Lacetti’s owners manual and reads that for the first few hundred miles, full throttle starts should be avoided. As Eve screeches off, the observers laugh heartily. Eve racked up 1.48 in the Liana and 1.47.0 in the Lacetti.

Carr takes off, spinning out into the grass. The next guest arrives. The camera focuses on his crotch, which is clad in black pants that lace up. Eventually we see that the guest is Justin Hawkins. The boys are all sitting at the table as Carr is drifting around the corners, tires squealing, skidding all over. Hammond says that Jimmy is slowly destroying the car, and indeed one tire is flat. Carr is unrepentant. On the timed lap he is too aggressive and spins out on Gambon. Hammond observes that the man is mad, and he skids across the line in 2.08.9, the slowest lap time and loads worse than his time in the Liana. Justin gets in and is having a good time around his laps.

When the next guest arrives, Clarkson tells him that he would have gotten dry ice for the entire track if he’d known that Rick Wakeman was coming. Rick plays keyboard in an impromptu concert as Justin goes around. Clarkson exclaims that he’s in the ’70’s again and Rick pounds his keyboard into the ground a la Pete Townshend. Justin crosses the line in 1.48.4 as Les Ferdinand arrives in a helecopter.

Rick takes the wheel as Clarkson tells Hammond that Rick’s had several heart attacks. Hammond moans that he could let go at any time, but he gets around in an unexciting 1.55.3. Rick and Justin play duets as Les takes over, driving more on the grass than the track. Clarkson urges everyone to their feet in order to flee if Les misses Gambon and comes hurtling toward the tea party, but his fears are unfounded. He comes in at 1.47.4; if he’d driven on the track instead of the grass past Gambon, he’d have had the lead. Rick plays a funeral dirge as Les trudges off.

On April 14, precisely at 3 pm, Clarkson bade farewell to the greatest love of his life and quit smoking. This does explain why he seems a bit testier than usual and why he’s so critical of trees. Clarkson lets us know that while there are a lot of products on the market to help you deal with the cravings, the best comes from Sweden and is called the Koenigsegg CCX. It is a hot looking car, with lovely curves and body design, but what is with the windshield wiper standing vertically? It does look a bit stupid. According to Clarkson, the Koenigsegg CCR holds the world record for the biggest speeding  ticket ever: 242 mph somewhere in West Texas. The car is a nightmare for the camera crew; they can’t keep up in the panning shots. This model is even faster than the old one: 174 mph v 193 mph. He goes from 0-60 in 3.2 seconds and spins out. The 250 mph top speed is close to that of the Bugatti Veyron (at about half the price), and there are three reasons why. 1. It’s very light due to its carbon fiber construction. 2. It’s very slippery, with a low drag coefficient. 3. The engine is specially designed by Koenigsegg, capable of a whopping 806 bhp on the limp-wristed excuse for petrol that is sold in the US; in the UK it gets 850 bhp, and on biofuel, an outrageous 900. As Clarkson careens around the track he shouts, “Who needs nicotine?” and the engine just roars. Fabulous.

 http://www.koenigsegg.com/

The doors open vertically, different from the standard and different again from gull-wing doors. The supercar is taller than it was and also has a radio although you probably can’t hear it when the engine is really working. The roof lifts off, fitting into the episode’s theme of convertibles, and has what Clarkson calls “Blake’s Seven” controls, which I think is a reference to a cult tv show. The circle of push-button controls is futuristic, at any rate. There is no spoiler to push the tires into the road, no traction control, and the rear window resembles an archers’ slit to an amazing degree. “It’s raw, vicious, unbridled power.” Clarkson laughs like a maniac. It seems to be rather hellish to control. Back in the studio, Hammond asks how much the giant nicotine patch costs: 415 000 pounds. Richard observes that it’s quite a lot cheaper to smoke, and Jeremy concurs that it’s also safer. But it’s gotta be just tons less fun.

“Some say that his ears aren’t exactly where you’d expect them to be and that once, preposterously, he had an affair with John Prescott. All we know is he’s called the Stig.” The Stig shortshifts on the track while he learns Italian, and comes in at 1.20.4. He communicated that he felt he could get a better time if he didn’t shortshift and took another run. This time he loses control and whips off the track, the first time ever, and takes a tire wall with him. The Koenigsegg sustains only mild  crackling on the bumper. Clarkson reports that the Koenigsegg company is going to add a spoiler and bring it back for another round. It does amaze me a bit that automotive companies not only let these guys loose with their cars once but are up for it repeatedly. I know why Bugatti won’t let them on this track with their Veyron.

The Renault looks very odd. Richard has gone wild with the fasteners and apparently they’ve inserted pieces of Plexiglass where they broke windows. It’s none too stable. They’ve also cut the tailgate in two and hinged it for easier access which looks interesting but is overshadowed by the rest of the dubious quality conversion..

The man in the lab coat hands them the first challenge. Drive with the roof up at a speed of 100 mph without anything breaking or falling off. May is confident; Hammond less so. They all drive to Millbrook Proving Ground in Bedfordshire for the use of its two mile banked circuit. The boys are shown strapping on safety helmets for the first time. At 50 mph the stitching of the roof gives way and there’s a substantial ripping sound. It’s collapsed in back but is still on, partly because Hammond is clutching it in a death grip. Things are flapping violently and with great relief they reach 100 mph.

The second trial is to go to Woburn Abbey Safari Park and drive their convertible through the wild animal enclosures. At this, both May and Hammond look grim. May advises the others not to worry about the lions; it’s the Barbary Apes you have to worry about, really vicious. Normally no convertibles are allowed in the park for obvious safety reasons, but they’ve made a special exception for the Top Gear lot, because Woburn was “very impressed with the structural integrity of the convertible.”  Hammond is driving and is timid because the entrance to the park looks like Jurassic Park and we all know what came of that. There’s a posted sign that warns visitors that the animals may bite. The boys titter a bit. There are lots of lions prancing around, and Clarkson gets on the horn to ask when they were last fed. Two days ago, says a Woburn employee, and they’re on a starve day today. There’s dead silence. May starts to say, “Yeah, but…” and Hammond threatens to throw him to the lions is he mentions monkeys again. He’s worried that they look like a sandwich box with the top half off, but the lions are busy doing other things–namely, mating–so there’s not any trouble with the great cats. Hammond spies some monkeys! And some are a foot tall! Clarkson joins in the ribbing, drawing attention to a monkey who is eating a carrot. “Look what he’s doing to it!” A big monkey jumps on top of the car and other little monkeys caper around. The production crew has baited the top of the convertible with nicely cut-up fruit. The boys are nervously laughing like loons and Hammond drives off with a couple of monkeys still in place.

For the third challenge, they are informed that modern convertibles are capable of driving through automated car wash machines. They must now do the same with their car. No one speaks. Each face is exceedingly grim. May holds up the rear license plate as they drive to the wash, the folding mechanism dragging along on the ground behind. Someone has selected a brand-new car wash that cost a million pounds to equip and has the latest technology. May asks if anyone else has suddenly become slightly nervous. Hammond immediately owns up to being terrified; he’s not exactly stoic in this ep, is he? It’s quite cold that evening, and May turns on the heater. At least everyone has a jacket this night. May reassures the others, saying it will just flap around a bit. In the back, Hammond’s confidence is waning further. Is it possible that he has any left? As they start in, Clarkson gives moment-by-moment updates–he’s dry, he’s dry, he’s wet now. May: I’ve got a bad, bad, bad feeling about this. The roller brushes hit the car and the roof funnels the water into the car. They bail out, abandoning the car in the wash, and hide, giggling madly, behind a wall. Clarkson notes that the car wash is on fire. It looks like the car is stuck and one of the motors on the cleaning equipment has overheated, producing smoke and flame, as the wash completely chews up the top. Flames roar out, and the boys run away.

Back in the studio, they stand in front of the denuded Renault, giggling. The owner of the wash was very cross with them. May dryly notes that he was especialy cross when he rang him up to ask for their three pounds fifty back.

Clarkson answers the question of how hard would it be to make a convertible people carrier with one word: very. And on that crushing disappointment it was time to end the show. So from all four of them–Hammond gestures to Top Gear Dog, not the Stig–good night.