We open Season Two (Welcome back! Did you miss it?) on a quiet street at night. It’s deserted except for a law-abiding, older woman with a cane who presses the crossing button at a stoplight. Good thing she does, since a lovely red convertible (I think it’s a Crossfire) with the stereo blaring Method Man and the Prodigy’s “Release Yo Def” comes screeching up at this point. The lady looks at the driver and sees a fellow with an exotic crested fish for a head. Fishguy, obedient to the rules of the road, gestures her across when the indicator flashes ok for pedestrians. He guns the engine and flies off when the light turns green. She watches him as he drives away, music fading in the distance. She turns at the sound of a different engine; a black SUV pulls up and the window rolls down. Gwen asks, “Excuse me. Have you seen a blowfish driving a sports car?” See, manners cost nothing. Wordlessly, the lady points down the street. Gwen thanks her and they’re off in pursuit, discreet blue lights flashing. The lady watches them, then mutters, “Bloody Torchwood.”

Is Rhys the ONLY person in Cardiff who doesn’t know who they are??

Things are a little tense in the SUV. Tosh: Species not on record. She looks at the computer screen, split with xray images of Fishguy’s head and a double strand of DNA. She continues helpfully: DNA type says some sort of land fish. Gwen to Owen, who is, not surprisingly, driving: All I’m saying, you are speeding and there are children. Caught up in the chase, Owen retorts: Well, if kids are out at midnight, they’ve got it coming. I think it’s a fair point; kids out at that hour are probably delinquents anyway. Tosh, ever helpful with extraneous information: Detecting high levels of algae. Gwen smiles and taunts Owen: Who’s afraid of a big scary fish, then? Things have happened before we joined the chase, because Owen defends himself: It was a fish with a gun! Ianto chimes in here: Special weapons? Tosh: Not that I can see. Ianto, cocking his pistol: Do *we* need special weapons?

Owen: What are we going to do when we catch him? A point to ponder; Tosh offers: Jack would know. Owen: Well, Jack’s not here, is he? Jack’s disappeared. Fat lot of good Jack is. He exchanges glances with Gwen, and the car goes silent, everybody considering this.

Gwen: Blowfish! All heads crank around to see. Owen shouts to hold on, and puts his foot down, catching up to the speeding sports car. Owen tells Gwen: Hold the wheel. Gwen (warningly) : Don’t you dare, Owen. Owen shouts at her to hold the wheel, and rolls down the window and snaps off his seatbelt. He hops up to sit on the window and fires his pistol at the car. On his third shot, he hits the rear right tire; pretty good shooting from a moving vehicle. The car is riding on its rim, trailing sparks. Owen slides back into his seat, looks at Gwen, and blows the smoke from the barrel. Oh, come on, you’d do it too.

The SUV pulls up in the rain to where Fishguy has abandoned the car and leap out, guns ready for action. They’re looking around for the alien when shots are fired in a house. They run up to it and through the open door. As they enter, you can hear someone trying not to cry. Owen assigns positions. There’s a woman near the entry, a man lying on the floor of the living room, bleeding, and Fishguy is holding their daughter as hostage, tight to him, with a gun to her head. Owen drops out of the line of fire to help the bleeding dad. Looking at her scanner, Tosh reports: Massive levels of adrenaline mixed with approximately three grams of cocaine. A little stunned, she says more quietly: This fish is wired. Fishguy, more than a little amped up, has his big mocking monologue: So, this it Torchwood. The teacher’s pets, but teacher’s gone, hasn’t he, leaving the kiddie-kids all alone. And look at you–trying so hard to be all grown up. The doctor, with his hands full of blood. (Owen looks up, but I can’t see that his hands are especially bloody.) The carer, with her oh, so beating heart; the technician, with her cold devices, which leaves me with the office boy, promoted beyond his measure and all of you, lost without your master. All of you, pretending to be so brave. All of you, so scared. He snorts in derisive laughter, smells/kisses the girl. He’s really over the top; must be the coke. He continues the taunt: So what about it, minions? Can you do it? How good are you? How sharp is your aim? What if you kill her? What if I kill her first? Can you shoot before I do? Can you? Dare you? Would you? The camera splits focus between Fishguy, bobbing around behind the girl, and Minion Ianto, trying to decide to shoot. A shot fires; brains decorate the curtain behind him as the breath goes out of a very surprised Fishguy. He hits the floor, the mom rushes over to her daughter, and Ianto looks at his weapon. Then turns. Jack is still in his firing stance. His eyes shift around the room: Hey kids–did you miss me? He grins and chuckles.

Back at the Hub, the team is rushing around. Gwen to Tosh: Are you sure no more like him came through? Tosh, cross-referencing the Rift Activity Monitor: Doesn’t look like it. Ianto: Car’s been impounded. I’ll get it back to the owner in the morning. Gwen to Owen, who is rushing around in his lab coat: How you doing? Owen: Bioprofile’s on the screen now. Nothing in the genetic profile likely to contaminate the city. (Jack is merely observing.) Gwen: OK, Tosh, can you add that to the species database? Running into Ianto. Ianto: Hello. Gwen: Sorry, can you deal with the body when it’s cold? Ianto: My pleasure. Unless you mean making sushi. Gwen: No, the morgue will be fine. (Laughs) Jack: Got pretty organized without me. Gwen: Yeah? Well, we had to. Jack looks around: And did you redecorate? (well, probably a bit, seeing as how the fun and games with Abbadon messed up the infrastructure.) Gwen strides up to him quickly and shoves him back into the doorframe: You left us, Jack! All the others draw nearer, interested in the interaction. Jack sighs: I know. I’m sorry. Gwen: We knew nothing, Jack! Everybody’s looking at him with varying levels of hurt and anger on their faces. As apologies go, it’s pretty crap. Tosh: Where were you? Jack smiles: I found my Doctor. (Most of us go through our health insurance, but whatever.) Owen (Softly): Did he fix you? Jack: What’s to fix? You don’t mess with this level of perfection. So I guess that’s a no. They smile a bit, then the Rift monitor goes off. Tosh: Rift activity. As the others hit their stations, Gwen and Jack exchange a long, this-isn’t-over-yet look. In the pit, Fishguy is on the slab, in a purple suit and orange tie that clashes terribly with his red-striped head. His pants pocket is beeping.

On the roof of a parking garage, the rift opens in a split of warm golden light and a man strides out, seemingly just having left the set of an Adam Ant video. It’s the always delicious, yummy, smokin’ hot James Marsters. He’s wearing a lovely crimson Napoleonic-era military jacket, knee high boots, and a pistol over each hip. He takes a look around and shakes his head slightly, as if not so happy to be here. His attention is drawn to an altercation near the side of the roof. One man is calling for help. He walks over. The jacket could use a good cleaning, and it’s missing some of its buttons. There’s a man holding another down on a car hood; the guy doing the holding warns him not to come closer or he’ll cut the guy’s neck. The new arrival: Fine. Which artery do you normally sever? Threatening thug: I’m not bluffing! New guy: Oh, well, see now, you’ve given yourself away. Only someone who’s bluffing says that they’re not. He grabs the thug by the throat and lifts him up, walking to the edge of the roof and dangling the thug over the edge. The thug swears and begs him to stop. He does: he lets go and the thug meets the pavement with a wet splat. New guy grabs the neck of the victim’s shirt and tells him that he was never here. The guy nods and is released and runs away. New guy: Thirsty now. ( I can’t quite shake my expectation that Spike is going to find some tasty young thing and sprout fangs.)

He enters a bar, going through the double doors like a gunfighter going into a saloon in a Wild West movie. He pushes a button on his wristband and the music is silenced. As he walks up the narrow bar, he tells the hot young things to stay, the rest to go. When he reaches the liquor he tells the bartender: I’ll take one of everything. He turns, and asks the room at large: Any questions? Two big bouncers approach: All right, mate, let’s take it outside. He draws his pistols: And did I mention I’m armed? Everybody runs out; glass breaks. He smirks and laughs.

Torchwood has been called to the scene of the late thug. Tosh scans him and finds “fragments” of Rift energy on his neck, arm, and shoulders. Jack posits: He was grabbed and pushed. Tosh: Explains the residual energy cluster. Jack: How did you ever manage without me? It’s a hot topic, Jack, I wouldn’t keep bringing it up. Owen: So, there’s a potential killer on the loose; bipedal, maybe humanoid. Gwen asks Tosh is there’s any other alien tech indicated; Tosh says no. Jack asserts himself: Ok, let’s get back and see what we can piece together. Gwen smiles slightly: Taking charge again, you? Jack: I was hoping for a little power struggle. Resolved by some naked wrestling. Gwen walks off and thanks PC Andy: You can let SOCO in now and they can eliminate us from whatever they want. Andy holds the crime scene tape up so she can walk under: This another of your spooky-doos, is it? Gwen: Not yet, but I’ll let you know. The team reaches the SUV; as Jack reaches for the drivers’ side door, his wristband signals. Ianto: Whoa. That never beeps.

Jack hits a button and a Star Wars-type hologram plays out. It’s the guy from the bar: I can’t believe I’ve got the answering machine. What can you be doing that’s more important than me? (Jack looks concerned.) Anyway, you’ve probably traced the energy shift, found the body, all me, sorry about the mess. Bill me for the cleanup. (Ianto looks disbelieving, Owen speculative.) Now; drinks. Retrolog the transmission coordinates, that’s where I am. And hurry up, *work to do.* ‘Help me, Obi Wan Kenobi. You’re my only hope.’ End transmission. The voice is very tinny. You’d think that with all that tech they could get better stereo sound, but you’d be wrong. Jack: Stay here. *Don’t* come after me. Gwen gasps: Who was that? Jack repeats: Stay here. He hops into the SUV and motors off. Owen: You see that? He swans back in, then he shuts us back out. Tosh holds up her device: I can track him! But it’s Ianto, practical as ever, who finds the solution and whistles for a taxi.

The SUV pulls up at “Bar Reunion.” Ok, just hit us over the head with your cleverness. Inside, our killer is consuming shots. A lot of them. He hears footsteps outside and smirks. Jack pushes open the doors and enters. Killer gets up and faces off with Jack, flipping the catches on his holsters open. They stride toward each other until they’re about a foot apart. Jack is breathing fast. They look at each other and go in for a rough, passionate kiss. Our killer pants, breaks off the kiss, and slams a punch into Jack’s face. Jack laughs and punches back. They’re laughing and trading blows to the tune of Blur’s Song 2. The fighting is exceedingly well done and they seem to be having a great time tossing each other around and pretty much trashing the bar. Too bad there’s none of the aforementioned naked wrestling.

In the taxi, Tosh reports a bar disturbance at the same coordinates as the SUV. Gwen tells her to let the cops know they’re on it. Owen gets down to brass tacks: Ok, so who the hell was that bloke in the hologram? Ianto: I know Jack recognized him. Tosh (hurt): so why didn’t he let us go with him? Gwen: because it’s typical Jack, isn’t it. He disappears, he comes back, then he runs away again. Shuts us out. We don’t even know his real name. Tosh: Or which time he comes from. Gwen: Exactly. He’s our boss and we know nothing about him. Jeeze, they sound like a broken record. You’ve gotta move on, folks– Gwen whispers: Drives me crazy. There’s a momentary silence as everybody digests this. Ianto: It is more fun when he’s around, though. The others jump all over that. Owen: Yeah! No doubt! Gwen: Yeah, definitely. Tosh: Yeah, it is.

Our killer takes Jack tumbling through some glass. They regain their footing and pull guns on each other, panting, laughing, smiling. The music stops abruptly as they circle one another. Killer: Put on weight. Jack: You’re losing your hair. Killer: What are you wearing? Jack: Captain Jack Harkness–note the stripes. Killer: Captain John Hart, note the sarcasm. Jack: Hey! I worked my way up through the ranks. John: And I bet the ranks were very grateful. I need a drink. Jack: I thought you’d never ask. The guns get put away. They’re glad to see each other and stagger over to the bar; John hands Jack a bottle, from which Jack removes the pouring spout with his teeth. John takes a bottle for himself and chugs it like it was water. Probably is. Jack makes a face: So, uh, how was rehab? John: Rehabs, plural. Jack: Drink, drugs, sex, and …? John: Murder. Jack: Ha ha! You went to murder rehab? John: I know; ridiculous. The odd kill, who does it hurt? Jack: You clean now? John: Kicked everything. Living like a priest. (nods) Jack laughs: So. How’s the Time Agency? John: You didn’t hear. It’s–ah–shut down. Jack: you’re kidding. John shakes his head: No. There’s only seven of us left now. Jack exhales: wow. John: It’s good to see you. It was never the same without you. Jack leans in, as if for a kiss: You need to go. I don’t want you on my territory. John: WHAT? He puts down his bottle, gets up. Time was you couldn’t get enough of me on your territory. Aw, Jack’s spoiled the moment. John picks up Jack’s revolver and fires once in either direction. From outside: All right, everybody out!

One door opens and in slinks Gwen and Ianto. Gwen: Everything all right, Jack? Jack: It’s ok, ok, ok. Owen and Tosh appear from the other end. Everybody’s got their guns out. John smiles in disbelief: You’ve got a team! How sweet! He gets an eyeful of Tosh: Oh, pretty little friend! No blondes though. You need a blonde. Owen: God, he’s worse than Jack. John: Oh, oh! Do you have a team name? I love team names. Go on– Jack (in exasperation): Torchwood. John: Oh. Not Excalibur? Blizzard Bikini Cops? No? Torchwood. Oh, dear. Jack introduces everybody: We go back. John take offense: Excuse me, we more than go back. We were partners. Ianto doesn’t like this: In what way? John: In every way and then some. Jack: it was two weeks. John: Except that two weeks was trapped in a time loop so we were together for five years. To Ianto: It was like having a wife. Jack and John argue a bit about who was the wife before John admits that he was a good wife. Tosh, smiling: Oh, I bet you were. John looks at her; Owen gives her a Look. Tosh (defensively): What? Don’t pretend you hadn’t noticed, he’s cute. John: They’re just shy. Jack: What are you doing here? John: I was wondering when we’d get to that.

He pushes back his sleeve to reveal a leather wrist strap like Jack’s. Jack: A little smaller. John shoots back: But lasts much longer. Get two Time Agents in the same room and it’s always about the size of the wrist strap. Owen: Uh, yeah, sorry–what’s a Time Agent? John: What, he never told you about his past? Gwen (chillingly): No, he hasn’t. There’s a pause. John: Anyway… He generates a hologram of a metal canister, Star Wars-style, and tells them that he was working with a gorgeous woman when they were shot and the canisters went through the Rift. They’re Bad News, because they’re radioactive cluster bombs, and the canisters will soon be eaten away and the contents will infect the people and the planet. Obviously, they’ll have to be neutralized. Probably with a sodium bicarb solution.

Jack (cynically): So what do you get out of this? John (hesitating): Dying woman’s wish. Jack enhales. John doesn’t know where they are and thought to enlist the help of the locals. Tosh offers to run a city-wide scan for radiation and cross-reference with Rift activity. John looks appreciative: What are you, the brains and the beauty? She preens; it’s only like the second time in the whole history of the series than anyone has preferred her to Gwen. Jack sets a condition: We do this, you get out of here when it’s finished. Right away. John: Does this mean I get to see your house? Jack turns away.

Jack and John are standing outside the Hub. John: You live in the sculpture? Could you be any more pretentious? Jack, forcefully, pointing down at the pavement: Get on. John: So your team isn’t allowed in this way? Jack: This is the entrance for tourists. The shifting pavement takes John by surprise; as they descend, the others, already in the Hub, draw closer to the lift. John looks around: It’s roomy, I’ll give you that much. Your taste in interior design hasn’t gotten better, though. What is this–sewer chic? Jack hops off the pavement and puts a restraining hand on John’s chest: Weapons. Gwen scans him as he gives up his pistols and a Japanese sword to Ianto, holding a tray for them. Jack: And the rest. John: Oh, you know me. I’m a two weapon man (widens his eyes). Gwen’s scanner reveals a host of other goodies, which he’s forced to surrender.

Jack and Gwen are walking; predictably, she’s giving him the third degree as to why he’s allowed a compulsive liar into the Hub, and digging for info on what a Time Agent is. Jack hangs onto his patience and tells her that there’s the slimmest possiblity John’s not lying, and if he isn’t, then the city’s in danger. As to the rest: That was in the past…here and now, that’s what’s important. The work we do, the person I am now–that’s what I’m proud of. Gwen: Then why did you desert us? Silence. Gwen: Where did you go? Jack sighs and explained that he’s died quite a lot, and that returning is like being dragged over broken glass, and that he saw then end of time…but after all of it, he knew that he belonged here: What kept me fighting was the thought of coming back home to you. He takes her arm, running his hand down to her hand…and finds a ring on her finger. Jack: What’s this? Gwen: That’s…um…an engagement ring, that is. (She makes a little surprised ‘ooh!’ face.) Jack: You’re getting married. Drops her hand. Gwen: Yes. Rhys asked. While you were away. Jack: Wow. Gwen Cooper, getting married. Down on one knee? Gwen: Well, he tried to, and then he had a twinge in his back and had to lie on the settee, that’s when he popped the question. Jack: And you said yes. Gwen: Well, no one else would have me. Oh, PLEASE!!!!!!!!!! Couldn’t they come up with anything that is just not so freaking pathetic??!? She looks at him as if she expects Jack to jump right in and say, I’d have you! Jack just looks at her; guess she doesn’t know him as well as she thought. Jack: Good for you. Grabs her shoulders and kisses her cheek, lingering. Jack (hoarsely) We should get back to work.

In the conference room, John is the only one sitting. Tosh has logged a surge in Rift activity across three locations. John thinks they can divide up, two people per can. Jack: Excuse me, I give the orders. John: Well, give us some, big boy. Gwen agrees with John and assigns the teams; Tosh and Owen, Jack and Ianto, and herself and…does he prefer Captain of John? John says that with eyes like hers, she can call him Vera. Which she does. Ianto rolls his eyes so hard I’m surprised he doesn’t pull a muscle. Jack tries to exert his authority; Gwen asks him if he has a problem. He does; after the others leave the room, she says she thinks she can get him to drop his guard and reveal his true purposes. Jack acquiesces and gives her three rules to live by: 1. don’t believe anything he says. 2. always keep him in front of you. 3. under no circumstances let him kiss you. Her vanity is pricked, and she doesn’t question why number three is so important. The teams split off.

John and Gwen are at the docks, searching shipping containers for the canister. Gwen very unsubtly pumps John for more information; he acts broken-hearted and she drops her inquiry when he says they were in love. Her cell rings; it’s Rhys, jubulant that he got a new job. They say they love each other; Rhys says he loves her more. No kidding! While they were chatting, John slipped away. He comes up behind her stealthily as she’s calling for him and scares her. She orders him in front of her. He tells her not to trust Jack–once a con, always a con. There’s a lot she doesn’t know about him. No kidding! Gwen forgets rule one. And also number two, when she sees the canister in a container and rushes in for it. John comes along behind her, shoves her up against the wall and kisses her. So long, number 3. It’s a poisoned kiss; it paralyzes her as he shoves her on the floor, taking the canister. She’s got two hours. John’s parting shot: He won’t stay with you. He and I shared something. Gwen is left to ponder this as he takes her cell and leaves. He locks the container and throwing her cell away.

Tosh and Owen are in a warehouse, shuffling around in best gun-and-flashlight style. Tosh tries the light switch; no joy. Owen grumbles: No, because that would only be helpful. Great. How are we going to find one canister in all this tut? What are we doing with our lives, Tosh? Tosh commiserates: I know. We should be out having fun! Yeah, cause she’s just one wild child. She hesitates, then: Bet you’d normally be out on the pull, this time of night. Owen says no, he’s been there, done that; (and that, and that one too…pretty much everybody but Tosh.) he needs a proper woman. Someone I’ve got something in common with, you know? Tosh, practically salivating; it’s her big chance! She tries to play it cool: Like you say, difficult to meet anyone I’ve got anything in common with. Owen is diverted by the canister. John shows up, hitting Tosh and shoving her away. Not very chivalrous, that one. He tells Owen to put down his gun or he’ll shoot Tosh. Owen puts his gun on the floor, trying to contact Jack, but John has muted the com system, piece of cake. He also takes their phones. Owen threatens to kill him if he touches Tosh again. John picks up a cricket bat and walks to Owen, either to pound him or shoot him . Owen calls his bluff and John shoots.

Jack and Ianto go into an office. Jack likes the office feeling, so foreign to him, excited by all sorts of illicit, exotic possibilities: office romances, photocopying your butt. Ianto interrupts the fun and games monologue, saying that the canister is either on this level or the roof above. Jack finally realizes Ianto is really upset and asks him how he is. Ianto: All the better for having you back, sir. Ouch! Jack asks him out on a real date, not just a shag in the Hub. Since Gwen is out of the rotation, I guess it’s Plan B. Ianto is interested, as long as the date is not held in an office, ” Some fetishes should be kept to yourself.” Ouch again! Ianto doesn’t seem too thrilled by the prospect of a real date and avoids Jack’s eyes. Ianto sends him up to the roof while he searches the office haphazardly.He hears the elevator chime, and draws his gun to investigate. Because he’s so slow, the elevator is empty when he gets there. John has hopped out and gotten the drop on Ianto. John puts a gun to his head: Into the lift, eye candy. Ok, that’s cute. Ianto’s eyes bug. John explains that his friends are bleeding and dying, and if he hustles, he’s got barely enough time to save them. Ianto tries his com. John, annoyed: What am I, a child? It’s a primitive bit of technology, easily blocked. You should be embarassed. Maybe we are, but jeez, it’s all we’ve got. He tells Ianto to run when he gets to ground level, and that if he comes back up, he’ll shoot on sight. John hits the down button, but Ianto bursts out: Why are you doing this? John: What a cosmic joke, eye candy! An accident of chemicals and evolution. The jokes, the sex–they just cover the fact that nothing means anything and the only consolation is the money. I guess living too long will do that to you. He puts the gun to Ianto’s forehead and this time the lift goes down.

Down on the street, Ianto tears off in the SUV. John shows up on the roof as Jack finds the canister. John: Hero of the Year. 5094. Still looking good. Jack’s cell rings; John plucks it from his hand and tosses it away: Cute boy ringing to warn you about me. Jack: If you’ve harmed them in any way…and holds up the canister. They engage in some witty repartee before getting down to the main event. John: What I want is for you to come to your senses. Join me, Jack. Back in the old routine, we’d be emperors. How can you stay tied to one planet when there’s thousands of worlds? Jack: I can’t. John: Why not? The glitter of the galazy, the mischief we could make…Jack smiles: You know, you never really mastered that temptation spiel. John: It’s not a spiel, it’s fact. Jack: Move on. Here I am, in a new life, and you’re still churning out the same old tunes…and sorry, they don’t play as well now you’re a little older. And what are they, wrinkles around your eyes? John snaps: Laugh lines! Jack: Oh, hell of a good joke. John: It’s you I’m laughing at. Canister! Jack tosses it over his shoulder, off the roof: Oops! and laughs. John: Whoops! and pushes Jack off the roof. Watches him fall, watches him splat. Turns and leaves.

Tosh is assisting Owen with a bullet in his side. She’s not very good. Ianto pulls up outside the warehouse, forcing open the locked door, calling for Tosh and Owen. Nobody’s heard from Gwen. Duh! No phones! Com system down!

John ambles out the revolving door of the building and over to Jack, back broken over a concrete bench. Picks up the canister and confides, “Rehab didn’t really work.” He takes Jack’s wrist strap, touches his lips, sniffles, and leaves.

At the dock, Ianto calls Gwen’s phone; they find it where John threw it but not her. Tosh triangulates based on where Gwen received her last phone call and they rush to the site. Tosh finds the right container and they all crowd in. Owen checks her out and finds her breathing with no sign of external injuries. They swab her lips and hands and run the swabs through an analyzer. Tosh: He’s poisoned her. Owen: Ianto, antitoxin kit now. Ianto looks like a deer in headlights.

Sun rises over the bay. John doesn’t see it, as he’s deep in the Hub, opening the canisters and assembling a metal triangle. He turns to the autopsy slab, where Fishguy is still laid out. He searches his confederate and finds a pyramid in his pants pocket. He’s working on placing it into the center of the triangle when he hears guns cocking. Four of them. John: Ooookay. He shuts off the blinking pyramid and stands. “Pretty and resilient. It’s not even fair.” Gwen: Maybe you didn’t realize–you can beat, shoot, threaten, and even poison us and we keep coming back, stronger every time. (Threaten? Man, Ianto’s never up to the level of the others.) John: Well, I think you ought to know, your boss is splayed out on the– His voice trails off as Jack steps up to the others. Only John shows any reaction. The team’s an old hand with the Incredible Resurrecting Boss by now. “Now, that’s impressive. Seriously, you can earn a fortune in the Vegas galaxies with an act like that. Go on, how does it work?” Jack puts his foot on the railing of the autopsy pit: I can’t die. John: Ha. No, but really. Jack: No, but really. You can’t kill me. No matter how may times you try, I can’t die. (whispers) Ever. He smiles and walks down into the pit. John (shrewdly): Eh, but what does it cost you? Jack:…These people, this planet, all the beauty you can never see–that’s what I come back for. John: Well, goody on you.

Gwen asks John what’s in the canisters; he tells them it’s a rare diamond and offers to split the proceeds 50/50. “Or if anyone fancies an orgy…” Ianto looks like he’s considering it, then gets back to business. Jack has John open the pyramid; there’s no diamond, but a bomb, planted by the woman John killed in order to track his DNA, latch on to her killer, and explode. Detonation is ten minutes. Ianto whips out his stopwatch and quite happily begins the countdown. Gwen asks how big the explosion is likely to be; Jack says big, all things considered. Owen: So we should really get him out of the city. John begs Jack for help. Jack: Why? John hits Jack–again, it’s getting tedious, all this hitting–and grabs Gwen, handcuffing her to him. And eats the key. Gwen: You are unbelievable. John: And yet you still find me strangely attractive. Owen: Will shooting him now stop the DNA trigger? Jack (somewhat regretfully): No. Gwen gets Tosh to look on the Rift predicter program and tell her if anything’s going to open in the next few minutes. Tosh says that there’s a scheduled Rift opening on the parking garage roof that John first appeared on. John to Jack: What’s she talking about? Gwen: If we’re in the Rift when that disk explodes, the city will be safe. John: How does that save us? Gwen: It doesn’t. It seems to take John awhile for him to wrap his head around some of the issues in this episode.

Gwen drags John off to the SUV. Ianto: Somebody cut his hand off! Tosh: That would activate the bomb. As Ianto and Tosh follow Gwen and John, Owen and Jack retreat to the lab, where Owen has had an Idea. They mix a blood cocktail from samples of all five members. Owen centrifuges the mix. Why? I don’t know. Maybe it just looks good. It’s not like simple centrifuging is going to do anything but seperate the blood layers. They take the blood and a syringe and go after the others.

Time is running out. Tosh can’t find the frequency the bomb is on and so can’t jam it. Gwen frets about why Jack isn’t there. John: It’s what I’ve been saying all along. Unbelievable. Gwen: Shut up! John sees a lot of beautiful people walking on the streets and begins to see Jack’s attraction to the planet. Gwen: Don’t you ever stop? John: Five minutes left to live and you want me to behave?! (diverted) Oh, that’s gorgeous. Gwen: That’s a poodle.

Gwen steers the SUV onto the roof of the carpark and drags John out the drivers’ side door. John: I do love a woman who’s rough. Ianto: 51 seconds! The Rift opens. John asks whether the sacrifice is going on as planned, and Gwen tells him they have to go. John: No! What’s the point of being on a team if you don’t get a last-minute rescue?! Excellent point. Gwen says to Tosh and Ianto: Tell Jack..(Smiles) Tell Jack I — Owen and Jack screech up in Fishguy’s stolen red convertible. Jack hustles over, knocking Gwen and John flat and plunging the syringe of blood into John’s heart. Confusion reigns; it’s not working! Gwen and Jack haul John to his feet in order to charge off into the Rift. The disk retracts its pincers and falls off. Jack slings it into the Rift and it explodes. Day darkens to night–the time when John first stepped through the Rift. Oh, goody–Gwen will be able to go home and celebrate Rhys’s big news after all. Jack grouses: Now we have to avoid ourselves–great. Gwen asks what was in the syringe. Owen answers: Torchwood DNA…fused and injected into his heart, temporarily corrupting his DNA, confusing the disk. Huh? The disk wasn’t even over his heart where Jack plunged the syringe. Gwen thanks Owen, but John is horrified that he’s got a little bit of each of them inside him. The next issue is to get the handcuffs off; perhaps remembering that Ianto proposed cutting his hand off, John reveals that he’s hidden it in his throat; he gacks it up and there’s that sorted. John asks Gwen: No hard feelings? Well, not in that sense. Gwen hauls back and really delivers a beauty of a punch. I think she’s holding a grudge.

John looks appalled, Jack laughs, and Ianto says to remind him never to get on her bad side. Gwen hangs onto Owen as Jack reclaims his wrist strap from John. “Definitely bigger.” Boys…why don’t you just whip them out and measure them? I’m happy to volunteer as judge. John offers to become a new team member, but Jack refuses. Several times. Firmly. He tells John goodbye. John: OK. He kisses Jack, pats him on the chest, and walks to the Rift.

“Oh, and by the way–forgot to tell you, I found Grey.”

Cut to a small hand slipping from a larger one. Jack looks slapped. John steps into the Rift and is gone. Jack typically underplays this revelation and the others let him…for now. And it’s back to business as usual.

I know I shouldn’t complain, but the science is always CRAP on this show. Like it would take five minutes to do a bit of research? Or five more minutes to comeup with anything plausible?? It always seems thrown in there with no possible basis in reality and it bugs me. Also, it was very hip to include the Star Wars references. And they said our pop culture wouldn’t last.

In the Torchwood blog, Jack writes that since they had to spend the rest of the day avoiding themselves, he took them to a five-star hotel for many and diverse spa treatments. Is he trying to buy off any future explanation? Won’t work…

And seriously, for once…the costumers should get an Emmy for how they make outerwear emblems of a character. Not just Jack’s handsome greatcoat, but now John’s sweet little red number too.