We start off with a little change in the voice over that kicks off the episode: …Fighting for the future on behalf of the human race. The Twenty-First century is when it all changes, and Torchwood is ready. Eh. Have to admit I like the old one better.

At any rate, we open at night time in a bedroom. A couple is sleeping, but noise wakes up the woman. Her name is Beth. We don’t know this til later, but this is her name, and we shall use it instead of referring to her as the anonymous woman. Beth wakes up  Mike with the information. “Someone’s in the living room,” he says, turning on the light. She: Are you going to go in there? He: Are you? She: Uh! Burglar in the living room is no time to press for equality, Mike.  He gets up, retrieves a cricket bat that he has cannily stowed under the bed, and heads for the door. She phones police. A burglar shoves Mike back through the bedroom door and to the floor, telling his accomplice that there’s two of them. They both come in the bedroom. Very frightened, Beth tells them to take whatever they want. At this point, it’s not looking too bad for Mike and Beth, but the burglars hear the dispatcher talking on the phone, and they prepare to open a can of whoopass. There’s a physical altercation, but we don’t see much; our information is auditory. Someone says, “I’m sorry!” and screams.

Outside, Torchwood pulls up. Tosh gives a rundown on the situation: two males, one dead, one wounded in a fall from a fifth-story window onto a police car. Dr Owen rushes to check out the paramedic’s work: Bloody hell, he says insightfully, has he been stabilized? Jack assigns Gwen and Owen to go to the hospital with the human pancake to see if he says anything, and also to interview Mike and Beth.

Tosh is with Jack; Ianto apparently has been left at the Hub. They go into the apartment and encounter a PC (not the lovable Andy) who tells them that this may be one of Torchwood’s cases. Based on what, exactly? The cops are getting lazy. Nobody heard anything, saw anything, blah blah blah. The usual. Jack thanks him and steers him toward the door, but the cop wants to pontificate. In his opinion, the husband was looking for trouble, expecting to be burgled. He bases this statement on the cricket bat under the bed, saying there’s no reason to keep sporting goods in the bedroom. Jack: You should come round to my house for a game of hockey sometime. He closes the door on the PC. Tosh smiles: Making friends? She’s really starting to bug me. Her attempts at social interaction seem so brittle I wish she’d just shut up and keep to her devices; she’s using one to scan the window. Jack: Not really. What have you got? Tosh: No glass inside, so it was definitely broken out. And for this she needed a gizmo? Most people can tell that just by looking. Some investigator she is. Jack refers to the body in the room; there’s surprisingly little blood. “Police said stab wounds were caused by some long, narrow blade, which that (gesturing to the cricket bat) isn’t. No other weapons in the room could have done this, so how the hell did they manage it?” Tosh: Husband was unconscious and wife probably weighs less than I do. I can’t see either of them doing this. Jack doesn’t think much of this theory: When you fear for your life, you’d be surprised what you can do.  

At the hospital, Beth is at Mike’s bedside, holding his hand and being quizzed by Gwen and Owen. It’s fun to type their names together because there’s just the one letter difference. Anyway, Mike, who is conscious now, is looking concerned as Beth is recounting the experience we didn’t see: I didn’t see anything. We all heard this weird noise and the next thing I know, I’m in the corner and he’s just…sitting there, dead. The other one was just gone. Gwen: And then what? Beth: Nothing; we just stayed there til the police arrived. (Tough for dead guy to go places, but hey, this is Torchwood and all things are possible.) I couldn’t move. (Owen is swabbing the couple’s hands.) I should have checked on Mike. Mike interjects tenderly: Don’t be silly. You did the right thing. I’m fine. Beth scolds him: Quiet, you. The doctor said you should rest. Mike: Don’t think the doctor meant my mouth. Beth: Actually, he did. He was very specific. He said no talking for a whole week. Mike: Lies, lies, why so many lies? The interaction between Mike and Beth is wonderful, the best acting in the episode. Gwen cuts in on the loving banter: Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll let you get some rest now.

They leave, and Owen gives her the results of all the swabbing: no blood on anybody’s hand. Gwen: Then who did it? Owen tosses his gloves into the trash: She did. Obviously. Gwen: Why obviously? Owen: Well, look at her. Gwen looks back in the room. Beth is crying, and Mike is trying to comfort her, saying it’s ok. Gwen (mildly sarcastic): Yeah, I can see what you’re saying. She’s absolutely terrifying. Owen (darkly): It’s always the one you least suspect. They’re all in a room together, hubby’s out cold, and somehow she survives while two burglars get mangled. She did it. She must have. Gwen: How? Owen: I haven’t worked that bit out yet. Gwen pats his shoulder: Oh, I see. Owen: All right then, Jessica Fletcher, whodunit? Gwen: Her husband. His wife’s in danger, he keeps a cricket bat under the bed…you fill in the blanks from there. Owen: Ok, he kills one man, wearing gloves, and then he swallows the murder weapon and the gloves, then he knocks himself out. Gwen: Something like that, yes. Owen tables the conversation as his earpiece chirps. It is, predictably, Jack, wanting to know what they know. Owen tells him that they don’t know much. Jack: Well, one of them did it. We just need to figure out how. Stay with the burglar all night if you have to. (Owen looks pained.) Keep an eye on those two. Owen to Gwen: That was Jack. He said you should stay with the burglar and find out if he knows anything–all night if you have to–I know (makes a sympathetic face) and keep an eye on the other two. Gwen: Brilliant. Oh, will you get me a coffee before you go? Owen is all charm in agreeing to this, but can’t come up with a pound. The nearest light flickers out as Gwen finds some coins, and Owen’s off.

Gwen is, as promised, by the burglar’s bedside, nodding off. She jerks awake as her plastic coffee cup falls out of her hand and clatters on the floor. She sees that the burglar’s awake too, and lunges for him: Sh! You’re safe now, all right? You’re safe. Just tell me who did this to you. Burglar: The woman in the flat. (Monitor shows his heart rate’s increasing and his blood pressure’s up.) Keep her away from me. The line flattens, and nurses kick Gwen out of the room as he conveniently dies.

Unexpectedly, we find ourselves back at the Hub in interrogation with Gwen holding up a wall, clutching a file. Jack whisks a black hood off Beth’s head. She’s handcuffed and scared. Her eyes are swollen. Jack commands: Tell me everything. Beth: Where am I? Where’s my husband? Jack: He’s safe. Beth is not reassured: What do you mean, safe? What have you done with him? Jack: Nothing, yet. Tell me what happened in the flat, Beth–it had to be you or Mike. So how did you do it? Beth: You can’t treat people like this. I’ve been burgled, attacked. I want a lawyer. I want a phone call if you’re charging me with something. Jack: We’re not charging you. We don’t have to–and there’ll be no lawyer, no phone calls. Just us and this room, for as long as it takes. Now. Tell me what happened. Does anyone else think Beth’s in some deep shit here? Nobody knows where she is and she has no way to contact anybody. Jack’s crossed the line here. Beth has guts, though: I told her and the police. Please, I don’t know anything. Owen and Ianto are observing from above as Gwen spreads out some gory pictures. Jack: look at them. (There’s some rather sinister breathing.) The second one just died in the hospital. “Keep her away from me–the woman in the flat.” Those were his dying words. Now, why would he say something like that? Beth: I don’t know. I swear. I never touched them. Jack: Is it Mike? Are you covering for him? The overhead light pops out. Beth: No! Gwen: Jack… He leaves, slamming the door behind him. Beth is quite upset; Gwen plays Good Cop: Beth, we know those men attacked you and your husband. Now, if you fought back, people will understand. It was self-defense. Beth shakes her head: I promise. I promise I have no idea what happened to them. All I know is that it wasn’t me.

Jack bustles over to Ianto at the window for some banter. Ianto: Just us and this room for as long as it takes–terrifying. Jack is surprised: Really? Ianto: Absolutely. Shivers down my spine. Jack: You don’t look scared. Ianto: Oh, it passed. Jack growls and walks over to Tosh for an update on the body scan they’re running on Beth. The only weird thing was an electromagnetic buildup around her; Tosh doesn’t see how she could have knocked out the light. Owen chips in: Same thing happened at the hospital, Jack. Can’t be a coincidence. It’s her. I know it is. Jack orders up some tests, Owen is happy to do his doctor thing again, and Tosh turns back to her computers.

Gwen leads Beth into the Hub. Beth is underwhelmed with the dank look of the place: This is where you work? Gwen chuckles indulgently:Yep. Cosy, isn’t it? Beth: Who are you people? Don’t you have any windows? (Nope–they’re treated like mushrooms.) Gwen: It wouldn’t really be in keeping with the whole secrecy thing, people looking in, you know? (Give me a break–Rhys and apparently Beth are the only people in Cardiff who don’t know all about them.) Beth inspects some gizmos; Ianto looms in, saying sternly: We don’t sniff the subetheric resonator. Beth apologizes and Ianto hops down behind them and walks off, for all the world reminding me of Alice going down the rabbit hole. Beth: It’s so big. This is crazy. Gwen: Yep. Beth looks vulnerable: I suddenly feel very, very small. Gwen: Well, let’s just get these tests done, then you can get home, ok? Beth nods.

In the medical suite/autopsy pit, Owen is playing the part of Evil Doctor in gloves and a lab coat with fun little buttons pinned to it. Beth is strapped to a chair, which really ups the ook factor. Owen wants to draw some blood and Beth flinches. Owen snaps the needle. Beth asks Gwen: Haven’t you got a nurse to do this? Gwen: He’s a doctor. It’s ok. It happens again; the needle snaps quite nicely in two. Owen looks squinty-eyed, and Beth tries to assert some control: Ok, look. I’m not going to do this if you can’t even–what are you doing? Owen has a scalpel and knows how to use it. He tries to cut her arm, to Beth’s alarm, but the blade also breaks. Owen is surprised: When was the last time you were in hospital, Beth? Beth: I–I don’t remember. I don’t think I ever have. Why, what’s wrong with me? Owen: Well, any operations, checkups? Beth: No, nothing. Owen: When was the last time you felt ill, had a cold? Anything? Beth: I don’t think I ever have. I take a lot of Vitamin C. Owen: Mmm. Hell of a lot, I reckon. Jack jumps in here: Ok, Beth, you make lightbulbs blow, we can’t break your skin–what planet are you from? Beth scoffs: Earth. Jack: Stop wasting our time! We know you’re an alien! Beth: There’s no such things as aliens.

Jack hustles Beth into the holding cells, past Janet. Jack introduces them; Beth is appalled: What is it? Jack: It’s an alien. But you know that, cause you are too. Beth: No, I’m not. I work in an office. Jack is relentless: Why do you give off electromagnetic waves? Beth: What? (sobs) I don’t know! Stop it! Why are you doing this? I want Mike. I want to go home! Janet hunches, makes weird noises. Jack looks at Janet, then Beth. Beth: Why is it doing that? Janet backs away. Jack: I don’t know. It’s never done it before. Beth: This is real, isn’t it. Jack: Yeah. Beth: I don’t know about my skin. Or any of that other stuff. Just–how can I prove it to you? How can I prove it to you that I’m not an alien? Jack looks at Janet, cowering in the corner.

We’ve got action in the Hub. Ianto wheels in a chair. Jack lugs in a box and removes some strange looking metal headgear. Tosh: You said we weren’t allowed to use that again. Jack: It’s just a mind probe. Ianto: Remember what happened last time you used it? Jack looks pained: That was different. That species has extremely high blood pressure. Ianto (cheekily): Oh, right. Their heads must explode all the time. Gwen’s eyes open big: Jack, you can’t do this–what if you’re wrong? If she is human, it’ll kill her. Jack: I’m not wrong. We have to find out what she is. Ianto sits in the chair, testing the arm rests.Tosh chips in: Take it easy, Jack, and stop at the first sign of trouble. Ianto: Or at the first sign of exploding. As Gwen leaves to bring up Beth, Ianto feigns electrocution. Jack points at him: Hey! Ianto gets up fast. Owen looks disgusted.

Again, Beth is strapped into a chair. Tosh adjusts her equipment, Owen messes with the back of her head. Beth: Just try not to kill me or anything, ok? Ianto is kind and offers her some water: You’ll probably get dehydrated.

OK, I’m just going to cut this short. They put the metal hat on Beth and the result is excruciating pain. No betrayal of alien-ness, so a frustrated Jack demands that Tosh crank up the probe, and after prolonged agony, eventually Beth’s forearm opens, revealing a red-lit (kind of a ripoff from BSG) pattern of structures, and she spouts some alien gibberish. Jack of course knows all now (he should write a manual–how to identify all the aliens in the universe–for the team in case he goes haring off again), and briefs the team that Beth is a sleeper agent, and goes on to insult everybody’s intelligence by clarifying exactly what this means. They decide to freeze Beth, but it doesn’t work; she’s got a backup doohickey that allows her to escape. And rejoin other sleepers? No, to go say goodbye to her husband. Her EM field is apparently strengthened by intense emotions, and suddenly she sprouts a sort of half-crab claw spike on the end of her arm and stabs him. Oops. The team catches up to her and bundles her off. Meanwhile, other sleepers are being activated, and go for some targets in Cardiff that will theoretically soften the world up for invasion. One of the targets is an old mine, lightly guarded by a handful of soldiers, in which somebody’s stashed a bunch of nukes. Jack, Gwen, and Beth arrive in time to exterminate the sleeper, which also seems rip-offy of the first Terminator movie, and yay save the world again. They head back to the Hub, where Beth, clinging madly to the remanents of her humanity, forces the team to kill her before her alien nature takes over.

I’ve gotta say that this episode actually revolts me. It’s tempting to see it as a reflection of our time, the fear of terrorism and the trampling of civil liberties, but despite the Gitmo vibe, what I hate about it isn’t even that. What bugs me here is Jack, there’s no evidence of alien involvement, but a locked-door mystery, but he kidnaps a woman for no quantifiable reason, keeps her completely isolated from the outside, and tortures her something fierce. There’s echos of the Nazi regime here, and it’s worse, because these are supposed to be the good guys. And yeah, it’s all magically justified when they see her arm open up and three other sleeper agents show up. Beth was the most human of the characters in this episode. Let’s completely overlook the idea that you could just find nukes so lightly guarded. This is Torchwood, so of course the Captain and his Privates plus a spare alien save the day with no action from anybody else. It made me snort that the sleeper agents, all in the UK, know everything about the planet and thus can prep the alien horde for invincible attack. And people say Americans are egocentric! The usual gaping plot holes in the road of this episode really irritate me this time because the whole episode is rank. Gwen is simpering, reacting to events, not acting; Tosh is inexplicably dressed in a skirt and a low cut blouse and as wooden a willing stooge as ever; Owen has been turned into a team player this season, sacrificing his snarkiness to do whatever he’s told to do, actively assisting Jack’s assault on Beth; Ianto gets off some potshots at Jack–yay, Ianto, but otherwise his big moment is offering the woman they’re preparing to torture to death if necessary a little water…and Jack. Well, honestly, he’s just pissing everything away in service to the Greater Good. Fine in theory, but his willingness to torture somebody mentally and physically makes me say no thanks. This being TV, you know that the team will triumph in the end, so why this whole episode, really?

So am I taking this whole thing too seriously? Not really. If I’m not discussing it here, I’m not really thinking about it. I don’t like this episode and won’t watch it again. The good thing is that the series can only go up from here.